Shut'em down

He says:

No, this isn't a blog abot Public Enemy's rap song of the same name. This is about the beautiful Thai girl I met at a gallery opening. Was she an art lover, nah...she was a server at the sponsored bar. But she was a painting. And she shut me down. Hahhaa.

Her kind of beauty inspires a man. And a girl that does that must always be on her guard from generous, but fraudulent offers, from horny men. I tried my hardest not to impose, but I did stalk her a little in my own smooth way, of course.

Here's where it started - the gallery only had a single bathroom so there was always a line. So, once my target, aka the hot girl, was waiting it was easy get into position where my target was stationery and I could chat bollock.

But, luckily after some chit-chat, but before I was able to say "any chance of a coffee?", she said something that would stop most men in their tracks..."I'm moving to San Francisco...soon!" Game over! No point to inviting to meet for coffee when a girl is packing her bags. Obviously, my reply should've been, "I was in Monterey last weekend...it's only 5 hrs away" ;-) But I got the message.

I left out the little detail of my challenger outside the bathroom earlier in the evening..."oh, you're Thai", he said, coming from nowhere and stepping all over my toes, figuratively speaking of course, "I was in Bangkok setting up an ad agency..." he continued. As she entered the bathroom he asked me if I was in line. I shook my head and smiled my "Fuck off, you cunt!" smile and walked back into the gallery to admire the art and ready to fight another day.

The blurring of two online mating rituals

He says...this article was sent to me from a girl I met on eHarmony.com. What's amusing is she's a real estate agent:

For hunting hunks or houses, terms and tactics sound alike

By Lucy Berrington | April 8, 2007

The spring market is here -- in real estate and in relationships. Looking at houses for sale online, or potential dates on eHarmony and Match, it seems those two pitiless experiences have all but merged into one.

Real estate professionals have been fudging the boundaries for years. They talk of "going out" with their buyers: "I went out with him three weekends in a row and then he disappeared. . . . He didn't know what he wanted. . . . I think he's going out with someone else . . . "

And now the rest of us are there too. My frenetic house-hunting this season developed an unnerving resemblance to my frenetic dating of three years ago. In both processes, it seemed at first glance that the market was glutted, but a careful look determined 95 percent was completely unsuitable. In both, the postings made claims -- "attractive," "well maintained," "personality and charm" -- that were unsupported by evidence.

I admit, there were also differences. I didn't care about the interior of a house -- I could change it -- but the exterior mattered a lot, because that would be virtually impossible to improve. With men, the reverse is true: The exterior might be salvageable, but one has to assume the interior will remain off-limits.

Otherwise, though, the similarities were overwhelming. In the few years since house hunting and dating have moved largely online, both processes have become wildly competitive. Check out the interchangeable sales pitch ("attractive," "romantic," etc), the misleading photos, and the fact that no mention is made of "deferred maintenance," "needing TLC," or "unforeseen costs" until after a close inspection.

Elderly potential boyfriends post pictures of themselves at 25; ice-encrusted houses post pictures of themselves in summer. It is said that Henry VIII met a flattering portrait of his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves, before he met Anne of Cleves herself, and that in person she was so unattractive he had to leave the room to choke or vomit or something. Thanks to digital photography and e-mail, there are versions of this scene still going on all over the dating world, just as there are buyers driving away from open houses likewise gagging. I went to see a house that had boasted of its "unusual naturalistic setting" -- the agent's online map located it in parkland -- and discovered its front windows overlook Route 9, several feet away.

Still, as my searches went on, I grew increasingly willing to overlook obvious flaws. I'd initially hoped to date a funny, good-tempered guy with a degree or two from legitimate universities and a healthy relationship with his mother. Under the pressure of reality, my criteria narrowed: In the end, the guy had to be single (yes, really), more or less heterosexual, and not yet convicted of a crime against humanity. Same thing with houses. Most new buyers anticipate a quiet Colonial with a cherry tree and a school system that will get the kids into Dartmouth or Cornell. A few months in, the same buyers might have to consider a house whose driveway is a Mass. Pike off-ramp and schools in which the teachers at least don't have sex with their pupils.

I learned to be wary of FSBOs, the houses for sale by owners: Those property transactions are notoriously trickier. But in the dating world, every deal's an FSBO. With no agents involved, both parties bring to the table an inflated sense of worth and only the vaguest awareness of protocol.

I studied the listings -- addictively. When I spotted one that might work my heart pounded. There just weren't that many out there. Sometimes I developed an online crush on a person or property only to discover my offer wasn't good enough, or I wasn't that into it after all, or the goods were already taken. This was unfortunate, since I'd already imagined us together forever and had e-mailed the picture to dozens of friends ("Great find!" "Gorgeous."). Both the houses and the men were moving targets; their status could change suddenly. Two homes I liked that went on the market on a Thursday were under agreement before the open houses on Sunday.

The term "under agreement," shortened online to UAG, came to me to look more like URG!

After my first offer on a property that was formally accepted, I was crestfallen to find the house still listed online, and with an open house scheduled for the weekend, no less -- the same wrenching moment as when I discovered a guy I'd been seeing "exclusively" had left his profile up on Match. (Still, why was I looking?)

Incidentally, that home had a new kitchen and bathrooms, but the inspection revealed the wiring and boiler were so ancient and hazardous they could have brought the whole scene -- kitchen, bathrooms, seller, me, realtors -- to an abrupt end at any moment. This house, to use my favorite British expression, was all fur coat and no knickers (knickers being panties -- but this takes us back to the dating anecdotes).

My romantic attachment to dilapidated dwellings, an urge to rescue and re-create them, did not always serve me well. But at least my old, comparable desire for fixer-upper men was mercifully cured. Improving a house is not easy -- finding contractors, breaking fingernails, and all that -- yet how much easier it is to improve a house than a person. The house at least appreciates your good intent.

Over time, I became wary and defensive. In both processes there was too much at stake. As the radon-testing guy explained to me, the wrong house can give you cancer -- and probably that's also true of the wrong relationship.

But in the happy twist this story requires -- two happy twists -- the processes worked. A man came along, and a so did a house, that exceeded their online blurbs: entertaining, reliable, good looking, authentic. I can say that now when I go online, it's for groceries, and the spring market that's on my mind has to do with fennel and asparagus.

Hoochie Mama...

He says:

I was with a (girl)friend of mine coming from 25 degrees heading to Franklin...we take a turn down a cul-de-sac...but all I notice was the girl in hot pants and g-r-e-a-t legs..."nice hot pants", I comment. As my friend does a three-point turn I see another hottie in a revealing top. "Why are there so many hot girls down here...?", I asked quizzically.

"You think they're hot...?!", my friend exclaimed. And here's the funny bit..."they're Hoochie Mamas!" Hhahaaaa. I was surprised.

(1) I'd never heard her use such vocab before
(2) she's a crazy clubbing girl (Area, Priviledge, LAX....) so was the pot calling the kettle black?
(3) I had no idea what a hoochie mama was...it sounded pretty cool to me! ;-)

But now I know - oh, yea 2Live Crew are all over Hoochie Mamas! Someone described a Hoochie Mama as just plain cheap, with no respect for herself...Here's what the Urban Dictionary says: "A female who dresses ghetto ho fabulous. Lots of gold, lots of weave-typically Pattie LaBelle style with red, purple, gold, or orange streaks, and long nails with lots of airbrush glitter, and color. This female's goal in life is to use her female attriibutes to obtain a male with lots of money or any money to spend on her. Weaves, rent, & diapers for her baby from another daddy included."

So why do guys like Hoochie Mamas? A man likes eye candy. And these girls know what a man's thinking and play their best hand to get ahead. I like to look as much as the next guy (ok, sometimes stare) so if there's a good looking, scantily-clad young lady wandering past my car, I'm going to acknowledge her. Hooooochie Mama! ;-) Joke! I'm a gent, but I admit I'd probably peek at her arse...

3Cs - Charm, Cunning, Confidence

He says:

Reuters newswire reported that a lawyer has written a book on dating that tries to capture the long lost art of "Alfie" or being a cad!

"In England we have always liked the idea of the charming rogue with a twinkle in his eye," said Jaan Larner, author of the tongue-in-cheek "Modern Cad Guide" for would-be rakes.

Larner believes the cad needs three vital weapons before launching into the battle of the sexes.

"They all start with C. Charm, Cunning and Confidence are the hallmarks of the cad," he told Reuters in an interview to mark the book's publication.

When pressed to pick who personifies the perfect cad, Larner is tempted to choose James Bond, the world's most famous spy with a taste for the high life and a distinct aversion to settling down.

But no list would be complete without the larger-than-life actor Oliver Reed who once famously said "I have only two ambitions in life: one is to drink every pub dry and the other is to sleep with every woman on earth."

One of his favourite modern-day cads is Daniel Cleaver, the roguish character played in the "Bridget Jones" movies by that ultimate English charmer, the ever foppish Hugh Grant.

Larner, a 35-year-old lawyer who has now settled down with his girlfriend after a decade sowing his wild oats, believes the roue is making a comeback in a politically correct world that has created a generation of loutish yobs or subservient men.

"Being a man is a very tricky business these days. For the last decade it has been difficult to find a role model," complained the author, who was born in Sweden of an Estonian mother before moving to England.

"There was the time of New Man who was too nice and then New Lad who was too charmless. What people are looking for is something that goes beyond these two and is fun to be with."

The British are renowned for their "stiff upper lip" reserve and that is why the cad is so irresistible.

"We are so bound by our sense of propriety. That is why someone who breaks the rules is so attractive," he said.

His guide offers everything from tips on how to make the perfect seduction cocktail to juggling two girlfriends at once.

His advice is to go for "a sensible geographic and socio-economic mix -- an 18-year-old student here, a 27-year-old lawyer there."

The cad must be equipped with an encyclopaedic knowledge of cool bars and be on first name terms with the concierge in discreet and stylish hotels.

But, above all, he is a rakish figure in pursuit of fun.

For the cad's credo is: "We won't call, we don't do 'nice' and we might sleep with your sister .. but admit it -- you have missed us haven't you?"

If a girl wants the charm, cunning (read: thoughtful, wit, spontaneity) and confidence, then she's got to expect a guy to want to practice the 3Cs with other women...he's going to have plenty of opportunities and offers from ladies. I say women should tune into other qualities in a man if they want less heartaches.

Actions speak louder than words

He says:

I took a girl out a couple of times, but was 50/50...may be it showed. But by the end of the week neither of us had called or emailed. Humm, what's up with that? I thought back to my earlier posting about the fizzle out, but thought it was rude not to at least call (not that there was any fizzle...).

So, I called her as I was doing my chores on a sunny Saturday afternoon. Voicemail. And then nothing back on Sunday, Monday...until Tuesday. Something appeared in my email inbox. My frigging email?! That's it! Shirking the personal call is not a good response. So, I happily recalculated the stats Nah 80/20 Yea (ok, I'd already done the numbers before this little event). But, I didn't reply to her email...it seemed pointless, but I didn't want to be the blad who just disappears...so what should I say? My genius didn't overcome my procrastination the whole week and she beat me to it - one more email on Monday morning. "Oh, jeez, if I open this at work it'll ruin my concentration", so I put it off until I got home.

When I read it at home it simply talked about 'stuff' she'd done that weekend and how 'she wanted to keep in touch'...wanted to? And how we'd be 'awesome friends'...friends. Absolutely no problem...as long as you have hot girlfriends...Please...what about your sister?! Hahahaa!

So, the moral of this story, guys and girls. Someone who's keen on you don't wait days to get in touch, nor do they shirk a conversation by sending an email. Really, they don't if you get that vibe lay it on strong if you lust for them, or use it as a chance to back off if you're 50/50. There's always another dating opportunity.

Can you be in love with two people at the same time?

She says:

I need someone to explain this one to me because I'm a one man woman. When i'm in love with someone, it's just him and no one else. So I don't understand how someone can carry on a relationship with two people at the same time. Could it be that one person offers different things than the other? And how long does one think they'd be able to get away with loving two people simutaneously?

This topic is very close to home since I just recently dumped a bonehead who dated both me and another women for 9 months!! Okay, okay...I was lame for sticking around that long. Perhaps for me it was the challenge of knowing there was another woman. That's whole other blog in itself. But getting back to this one....the guy told me 4 months into dating that he was falling in love with me. Then proceeded to tell me that the other girl he was seeing told him she was in love with him. You follow? Strange love triangle? How is it even possible to tell someone you're falling in love with them when you're dating someone else too??? So the jerk carried on for 9 months before i finally came to my wits end and dumped his lame ass. AND I let the poor suspecting woman know he was a liar and cheater too.

So the question is....why would he carry this on for so long? Did he truly love the both of us? Or was he playing the both of us? Was she missing something I was able to provide? And vice versa? We were both Asian American women with similar personality traits and a love for our friends and family. But she was 5 feet tall, seemed needy, and according to him aggressive in pursuing him....while I'm 5'8", independent, and a little stand-offish. She seemed more the party girl who likes to show off her goods while I have an unexposing sophisticated style.

So....what's the verdict? Was he in love with the both of us? Or were we completely and utterly duped????

Lies, lies, lies....ye-ah!

She says:

When I was younger I lied about stupid little things....mostly for acceptance, to dodge being grounded, etc. Even in relationships I remember telling half truths to keep the peace. But I had an epiphany in my mid-20s where I vowed to never lie again! Or at least die trying. Since then, I've been pretty truthful even if it means potentially hurting someone. I read in a book somewhere that "it's better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie". Compelling statement, right??

So lies and relationships.... What compels a man to lie? Especially when it comes to another woman? I mean, I know we get a little crazy when another woman is mentioned, but why lie about it? For example, the jerk I was dating. He told me for some unknown reason that he was going to dump the other girl he was dating...no pressure from me. In fact, in some weird sadistic way I was used to the arrangement. Yeah, I'm lame and weird.....I know I'm not the only one though!! So he tells me he's dumping her. He apparently dumps her but a few weeks later I find out that he lied to me. WTF?? His excuse? She came back a few days later sad and depressed....boo hoo...so his guilt took her back. He claimed he didn't have ANY feelings for her. So what was the point here? I didn't pressure him to break up with her, he offered that one all by himself, then lied about it. Is he STOOPID??

A word of advice to men....there are bright women out there who KNOW when you're lying!! We've been blessed with a simple tool called "intuition". We all have it, now whether we choose to ignore it is another story but we eventually snap into reality. So you think you're slick and you think your chick believes every word that's coming out of your mouth? Well, guess again!!

Top 10 things that annoy men...

He says:

It's official...well, Movin' 939 FM's Rick Dees says so!?

This morning he listed the 'Top 10 things women do that men hate'

#10 Bitchyness...usually targeted at other women
#9 Jealously...the mere mention of another girl's name brings on the cold shoulder
#8 Neediness...please, don't call every hour
#7 Coded messages...we men can't read minds or hearts...say what you really mean
#6 ...can't read my writing
#5 Lack of respect for personal space...no make-up, undies etc. at our place
#4 Being too emotional...pleasseee get it in perspective
#3 Being a snoop...don't be nosy
#2 Talking over each other...why do women do that?!

And the #1 pet peev....wait for it...

#1 Using sex as a weapon...come on...that's lame...

Yeah, I know...it's a bit of an anti-climax...I don't make'em up, I just report them ;-)

She says:

I just spent an hour looking for a top 10 list of thing women hate about men. Would you believe such lists don't exist? Unless you want one from the "India Times" site! No wonder men are so clueless and continue to piss us off!

Here's some insight to why we do things to piss you guys off:

#10 Bitchyness...With the current shotage of good men, why the hell wouldn't we be bitchy towards other women? Especially if they're bitches!! And the bitchyness isn't really targeted towards women, it's towards men too....depending on what the men do and the time of month. ;)

#9 Uh, why would you even mention another girl's name? See #10.

#8 Neediness? We call it validation....validation that you're thinking of us, validation that you care, validation that we're the only one. Or is it confirmation? Well whichever helps us to know that we're a priority in your life! But you know what? It goes both ways, I just broke up with a guy who called every hour. I don't need to know what you're having for lunch, or what you plan to watch on the tube later, or that you're crossing the street or picking your ass...enough already!!

#7 Morse code?...Totally true and guilty of it. I tell my gals that you have to tell men exactly what you want because we're wired differently. Women can just look at each other and we know what we're thinking. You can't really fault the guy for being dumb...eh hem...I mean unable to read our minds.

#6 ...can't provide input if you can't read your own writing....haha.

#5 We respect your personal space. We respect it so much WE want to put our stuff there too!! Listen, don't be a wimp. If you're not ready for the toothbrush in the bathroom, undies in the drawer, etc. just tell her so! What's the worst that could happen? She could go pyscho on you and stab you with her toothbrush....but really what're the chances of that? Oh...you're in LA, pretty high!

#4 The reason why we get so emotional is because YOU don't put it in perspective! Stop dodging questions regarding the relationship! Also, hate to pull this card but sometimes we do get a little emotional.....we can't help it, it's hormonal!

#3 Ah....being snoopy. Yes, most of us are that. I don't get how men aren't.....or are you just undercover about it? Listen, it's in our nature to be curious. If you've got nothing to hide, then lay it all out. The only reason why we snoop is because you've given us reason to. Shady behavior deserves a good snoop.

#2 Talking over each other? What does that mean?

#1 Well, of course!! Sex is the only way to get you to listen or do what we want you to do!!! Hello!!!

Guys who always get the girl…

He says:

This article by Chelsea Kaplan on MSN.com was forwarded to me by a single LA girl I know. It was interesting. But, I know none of these guys wouldn't agree with each other on techniques, moves or strategies when it comes to women.

Personally, I know most of this stuff and have 'used' a few of the tips, but only when it feels natural. I flunk out on #2 - I just don't do the spontaneous well, I think I'm a geek at heart ;-) And sometimes my interpretation of #8 makes it hard to progress to a kiss and a cuddle.

Ah, experience comes with age. If only I knew what I know now when I was 18!? Hahahaa.

"You don’t have to be loaded or look like Matthew McConaughey to successfully reel in women. We polled chick magnets across the country for their rules of attraction. And we must say, these guys have some secrets worth stealing.

#1 Take notice
“I’ve found that women love getting compliments on their appearance. I always pick one aspect of how she looks and comment on why I think it’s fantastic. I try to be specific so she feels it’s genuine and not just an attempt to score points (even though that’s sort of what it sometimes is!). Instead of saying something general like, ‘You look nice’, I might say, ‘I really like your earrings; that shade of blue matches your eyes’ or ‘I love those boots; they make your legs look incredible.’ Women are amazed that I pay that kind of attention and they’re always appreciative.”
– Thom, 33, actor, Manhattan Beach, CA

#2 Be spontaneous
“One thing women always comment on is that I’m a spontaneous, take-charge kind of guy—and they really like that. If I’m out on a first date and a woman mentions how she used to go bowling a lot when she was a kid, I’ll say, ‘So let’s go bowling right after we finish our dessert.’ Or if it’s winter and the mood strikes, I’ll drive a date to the beach, just to look at the water. I think women like a man who isn’t afraid to act on impulse and do things that really make you enjoy life.”
– Brian, 35, radio-station manager, Boston

#3 Talk the talk
“Most people love talking about themselves, so when I first meet a woman I’m interested in, I’ll ask questions so that she’s doing most of the talking. Not only does it make her happy, but it’s a great way to get to know her—everyone wins! I usually ask about her childhood first — Where did she grow up? Did she like it? What did her parents do? — and then I’ll ask questions about her present job, apartment and her goals for the future. Women are drawn to me because it’s clear I’m not just drawn to them for their looks.”
– Danny, 30, graduate student, Pittsburgh, PA

#4 Play the charm card
“In my experience, I get a lot more dates than my friends because I flirt—a lot. I think dating should be a fun, playful experience. So I’m not afraid to approach a woman but before I launch into a corny pick-up line I’ll say, ‘Promise me I get a do-over if you hate this opening line.’ Or I’ll go over to an attractive woman and ask her, ‘What’s it like being the prettiest girl in this room?’ I have to say, I think my relaxed, joke-y way of approaching women really works.”
– Tom, 38, architect, Chicago

#5 Find a funky, fun first date
“I always try to take a girl on a really different first date—one that will show her that I’m a spontaneous, up-for-anything person. I shy away from the typical dinner or movie and instead choose something that’s different and cool, yet still within her comfort zone. I can’t say it’s always cheap or easy, but I like the creative challenge of coming up with something memorable and romantic. I’ve arranged for a private, at-home cooking lesson with a chef from one of my favorite restaurants, scheduled a rooftop massage for two and even once took a girl on a helicopter ride over the city. I want her to feel like she’ll always have fun if she continues to see me. And the strategy has been working, knock wood.”
– Michael, marketing strategist, 29, New York, NY

#6 Eye, eye, sir
“When I am with a woman—whether I am talking to her, dancing with her, or eating with her, I make as much eye contact as possible. Not in a creepy way, but in a way that communicates, ‘I am paying attention to you and am genuinely interested in being here with you.’ Essentially, you want to convey that you only have eyes for her, no pun intended. Nothing makes a woman feel more insecure than a guy with whose eyes are darting around the room. I find women respond to this and really open up.”
– Oliver, 29, lawyer, Hartford, CT

#7 No call-waiting
“Contrary to what you see in the movies and on TV, I think it’s always best to call a girl when you say you are going to call and not play stupid waiting games. What’s that all about? If I tell a girl I’ll call her tomorrow, I do, and I always get a good reaction. In fact, I think it’s sad when girls are surprised that I follow up as promised. The right kind of girl doesn’t want a guy who plays games. Treat a woman with respect, and she’ll want to be around you.”
– Jeffrey, 31, sales representative, Chamblee, GA

#8 Be a gentleman
“I admit it’s old-fashioned, but I always open doors for a woman, pull out her chair before she sits and stand when she gets up from the table. Women are sometimes a little surprised by my actions, but ultimately they appreciate it. A woman once told me that doing those things made her feel like a lady and that’s what it’s all about. If you treat a woman like a Queen, she’ll want you to be her King, so to speak!”
– Larry, 27, lawyer, Miami, FL

She says:

Yes! YES! YEEEEEESSSSS!!! Where do we find these guys??? And where the heck is Chamblee??

Attraction Principles: How to Meet, Attract, and Understand Men

He says:

I saw this event and thought 'This is so American!' I mean, I've never seen a seminar that treats men/opposite sex like the 'Guaranteed To Ski 1-2-3' class I took in Vermont when I learnt to ski. Yes it worked...so I wonder whether this type of class will help women?

And, why haven't I seen a version for men? May be men don't like to be seen as vunerable in the game of Love? Nevertheless, I've sought out experienced tips on women...may be in the wrong places (The Game by Neil Strauss). I'd consider attending something like this, after all I've been told I'm a self-help addict! May be guys want more tangible results, like money-back guarantee: "if you don't meet the woman of your dreams within 6 months we'll refund the price of your ticket!" I can see Chapter 11 looming...

Details About This Event:

Let's face it: the ability to attract men, and the right type of man, really matters. The more men you attract, the greater the chances are that you will find one who is truly right for you. But it matters beyond that. Success with men crosses over to success in life. There's a domino effect. There`s a rise in confidence. So come join the seminar! You`ll learn:

- What men want
- Techniques to boost your confidence in ANY situation
- Dating and effective communication
- Where to find the man you're looking for

You will walk out the door with a newfound confidence and a set of techniques that you can begin applying immediately.

ABOUT THE INSTRUCTOR

Edward Manfre is an award winning writer, speaker, and personal empowerment coach. He is also a co-founder of `Man Up Now!` - an organization that coaches men to maximize their personal and professional potential. A long time student of the psychology of attraction, Edward teaches men and women how to attract, sustain, and maintain the healthy and prosperous relationship that they`ve always dreamed of. He emphasizes personal empowerment, optimism, and universal principles in all of his work. His vision is to forever change the way men and women relate to each other, one person at a time.

About MoxieInTheCity.net:

MoxieintheCity develops classes, workshops and events designed to help people find—and keep—the relationship of their dreams. Moxie doesn't just give you the opportunity to meet great people, she provides singles (and couples) with tips, techniques and advice that can help you date & mate more successfully. Plus, MoxieintheCity.net plans private events as well. Got a bachelorette party or Girl's Night Out coming up? Add a Private Lapdance Class, Sex Ed Salon or Mani/Pedi package to your evening. Get free dating advice, too! Just check out the blog.

I'm calling my lawyer!

He says:

I was at a friend's new downtown condo and the place was overrun with lady lawyers. It's always interesting to eavesdrop on women in conversation, but add to that ladies that strategize and argue for a living?! It adds to some priceless fodder for Sweeet and Sour.

Lawyer B was telling my Lawyer A friend about a guy she's dates a couple of times. But right now, she's hoping it fizzles out. The vibe isn't there and she doesn't want to be straight and say so, mainly because it he doesn't seem that keen himself so probably won't pursue the relationship. A great prospect for the 'fizzle out'!

But she's frustrated. No, not in that way ;-) But by the fact he calls occasionally.
However, he doesn't suggest another date or rendezvous...he just asks 'how her day was' and chats aimlessly. No request for coffee, dinner, no nuthin'! 'What does that mean?'...'What do I do?', she asked.

After much deliberation it was agreed that she shouldn't do anything differently unless he escalates things and makes his motives known. Then, and only then, should she make a work-related excuse and respectfully bow out of his dating vocabularly.

She says:

Gosh, why are women soooo nice? Why do we continue to take the calls when you want it to fizzle out? Wait, why the heck is he calling just ask how her day is rather than asking her out? Has it come to this? Dysfunctional dating??

A problem with today's daters is the inability to be honest and just say what you have to say! "Sorry, dude...I'm just not romantically into you." That's polite AND you save yourself the trouble of having to dodge calls, awkward moments, etc. If you aren't feeling the love vibe but you think the guy is cool and want to remain friends, say it just like that. If not, then c-u-t it loose!!

Snowboarders...good in bed?

He says:

There's nothing more alluring than a girl that can shake her thang on the dance floor. I used to think a girl that could dance was gonna be a wildfire in bed. It's something about the energy, the self-expression, blah, blah.

So, when I was on the slopes this weekend snowboarding I wondered...ummm if a girl can ski or snowboard gracefully and with poise will she be ace in bed? Then, I concentrated on my turns, repeat after me "heel, toe, heel, toe..." ;-) Remember, we guys think about sex several times a minute!

Right, where the apres-boarding party? See you at the bar...


She says:

Snowboarders good in bed? Never thought of it. Let's go back to the dancing thing for a minute....

When I was in my early 20's I refused to date a guy who didn't have any rhythm. I LOVE to shake my thang and if the guy couldn't keep up and harmonize with my moves it was a complete turn off. There is definitely something H-O-T about a guy who can groove on the dance floor. You know the saying, "Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire." I've been told that a guy who gotz moves on the dance floor can DEFINITELY get down in bed....uh, no pun intended.

Now let's scroll through my memory bank and determine whether or not this is true.....

Um....uh huh....um hm....right....oh yeah.....oooh....

Yup! Tis true! The guys with no rhythm on the dance floor have no business being in bed with me!

Okay , back to the snowboarding/skiing thing. I'm curious now. I wonder if a guy who swoops down the slopes with such masculinity and charge is the same way in bed??

Eh hem...where's that bar?

New outsourcing phenomenon...Husbands?!

He says:

News in Europe had me thinking about the global dating phenomenon that slowly crept up on us. The other month, it was revealed that film star Hugh Grant will not be attending his ex-girlfriend Liz Hurley's wedding. This could've been because Hurley didn't get on with Grant's ex, Jemima Khan, nee Goldsmith, even though Grant and Khan have recently broken up after three rocky years together. You know there's trouble when a spokeswoman for Grant said the split had not changed a thing. She said: "Hugh is not going to Elizabeth's wedding. He was not invited and there is no weirdness or bitterness."

Anyway...I'm not that interested in the E! Channel shite. No, I want to draw your attention to my observation...the outsourcing of husbands! It's true. Look at Hurley - she's engaged to the Indian textiles millionaire businessman, Arun Nayar. Not so far removed from Hurley is Jemima Khan who was married to the Pakistani cricketer, Imran Khan, for nine years, moved to Pakistan and learnt Urdu. Amazing stuff.

Which other women marrying foreigners? I'll throw in the American brides who have married Brits: Liv Tyler (Royston Langdon, lead singer of Spacehog), Gwyneth Paltrow (Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay), Gwen Stefani (Gavin Rossdale, band member of Bush) and Madonna (Guy Ritchie, film director).

Brits rule, you should try them out ladies ;-)



She says:

It's official! Women are bored with their own race which is why we resort to foreigners! Or maybe they just have nice personalities? Maybe they have great things to offer? Hmm... but what could they offer? If you think about it, many Asian cultures don't treat their women with the utmost respect or tender care. Does that only apply to lower and middle class? Is it different if you're a millionaire or billionaire in the textile industry dating an American actress? I don't get it.

If I could nab a great Brit I would surely try him out. That accent alone would woo me into pieces. Aw hell, if I could nab a great Indian, Persian, Pakistani or Martian I'd try any of them out too! It's just the "great" part that lacks in most men. Sigh.

Love thyself, before you can love others

He says:

When I was doing some soul-searching I was given all sorts of advice: read 'Loving What Is', try Landmark Forum, have a one-night stand...ok I made the last one up, but you get it. There are different ways to get a sense of self (on your own, with therapy-type groups...etc.), but you have to invest.

I can't remember where I found this list of 'rules', but they're old. However, they're quite a good start to the weekend. If you're an atheist, then replace Jesus for Oprah in Rule 3 ;-)

Seven Ways to Cultivate A Mental Attitude That Will Bring You Peace and Happiness

Rule1:

Let's fill our minds with thoughts of peace, courage, health, and hope, for "our life is what our thoughts make it."

Rule 2:

Let's never try to get even with our enemies, because if we do we will hurt ourselves far more than we hurt them. Let’s never waste a minute thinking about people we don't like.

Rule 3:
A. Instead of worrying about ingratitude, let's expect it. Let's remember that Jesus healed ten lepers in one day -- and only one thanked Him. Why should we expect more gratitude than Jesus got?

B. Let’s remember that the only way to find happiness is not to expect gratitude—but to give for the joy of giving.

C. Let’s remember that gratitude is a "cultivated trait"; so if we want our children to be grateful, we must train them to be grateful.

Rule 4:

Count your blessings--- not your troubles!

Rule 5:

Let’s not imitate others. Let’s find ourselves and be ourselves, for “envy is ignorance” and “imitation is suicide”

Rule 6:

When fate hands us a lemon, let’s try to make lemonade.

Rule 7:

Let’s forget our own unhappiness---by trying to create a little happiness for others. “When you are good to others, you are best to yourself.”

From Dale Carnegie, "How to stop worrying and start living", 1944

She says:

Loving thyself does more than help you love others. It elevates your view of yourself which in turn helps you to enjoy life's joys and cope with the pains. Believe me, I've done the self help books and rules but through the years I've learned that it boils down to one thing.....the Laws of Attraction. You love yourself, you'll attract positive people, events and opportunities. You hate yourself and you'll attract all the negative aspects. Act like a victim and you'll always be the victim. Act like a survivor and you'll always persevere!

This topic is interesting to me because I just got out of a relationship where the guy was such a whiner and complainer. He blamed everything and anything on life rather than taking some sort of responsibility. Dude! Stop your belly-aching and DO something about it!! Identify all the negative things in your life....relationships, careers, etc. You have the power to change those things! For those who can't see how, you're either scared or lazy. How can I be so harsh? Well, I have every right because I've been there and am done with it! It all revolves around what you want in life, figuring out how to get it, being relentless, and surrounding yourself with encouraging people! That's what goals and heroes are for. Don't have goals? Create them! No one's gonna do it for you! The lame whiny guy I broke up with said that heroes are for weak losers....uh, how the heck can you make yourself better and more successful if you don't have a role model?? Duh!!

He says:

Wow...I think I touched a nerve ;-) I hate whiners too...but I'm very supportive in the beginning. And then I get that deja vu feeling and start to 'grunt' replies..."um, yea, uh huh..." whilst thinking "I think I have some laundry to do..."

Anyway...men: it's unmanly to constantly moan and bitch to your woman! She's not there to be your Mum...she's needs stuff from you too, so don't end up like the ex above. Take a deep breathe and look in the mirror. You are the source of your unhappiness.

Clash of the Cultures

He says:

Guys and girls are different enough to cause major communication problems. But add in some foreign blood and that's a recipe for utter frustration, name calling and, oh, blue balls!?

My friend, M, recently made the acquaintance of a Taiwanese girl who lives in Taipei (if you don't know it's 12 hours away from LA look it up). He's chatting her up online and gradually organizes for her to visit. Uh oh, I can feel the pain right now...! However, tempting and romantic it sounds to have a beautiful (by all accounts) stranger travel 6,776 miles to your home town, it's pure love suicide to do it if it involves foreign Asian blood. And Taiwanese girls, jeez, don't get me started.

Oh, okay...here it is: Taiwanese girls are crap. They look hot, but there is something not quite connected in their heads. I did a dating survey: holding hands is thought of as a big commitment; the definition of a date is vague; no Taiwanese girls I know can comprehend 'the one-night stand' (no, I'm not looking for a slag, but I am hoping they're sexually liberated...and experienced ;-) ), but they are happy to dance and giggle whilst singing karaoke. I fucking hate karaoke! Hhaaaaa!

M described how he spent time getting comfortable with X. They shared a room with twin beds. She wore pyjamas, but he did get to peek at her in her undies ;-) Hahaha. So after some manuoevring he got to hold her hand (she thought it was just being friendly...uh that's not what I heard from your country folk?). And lo-and-behold he managed to make a move on her and somehow got to 3rd base, but had no idea if she liked it or was really an active participant?! Oh, and M said that her lips didn't even move when he planted his on hers! Umm, I'm telling you, this must've been like making out with a wet fish: there seems to be a real lack of sexual awareness...

Anyway, M's a trooper and a soft touch like me (yes, I am). But I've spent enough time with Taiwanese girls to know they just aren't worth the effort, so I apply my own (and v. generous) 6-week rule of them. If there's no sign of life within a couple of solo outings, I only give it a couple more tries and definately 'cease and desist' by the 6th week and move on. It's a system I developed since I've been in LA (before coming here I had no contact with Taiwanese girls...thank God!)

Come on, prove me wrong. ;-)

Base, how high can you go?

He says:

I was on the phone tonight with a friend who was recounting his abysmal love life, and he started talking about 'bases'. I couldn't rest tonight until I found out what's meant by first, second, third base...It was amazing to read the definitions, the arguments and the lies surrounding this amusing bit of American slang culture.

I could've chosen a few descriptions to share with you, but this link pretty much sums up the evolution of the much-loved phrases. I bet a guy started this analogy: it's competive, easily understood and, importantly, easily communicated. Remember, sexual conquests score very high on the bragging rights charts. I mean, check out the dude who says "we're talking full facial"...What the fuck?! He's like a sports commentator. Hahhaaa. Let's hope he's not your boyfriend?!

Psst - The title is a reference to Public Enemy, the rap band. Betcha never thought you'd come across a 'Hip Hop relationship blog' ® ...Word to the mutha!

Lost in translation?

She says:

It's not a secret that gals tend to over analyze things guys say and do. But I'm convinced that somewhere down the communication path words get lost in translation. What does it mean when a guy:

1. Wants you to meet his child before he's even kissed you?
2. Tells you he's falling in love with you while dating someone else?
3. Calls you 10 times a day?
4. Tells you "you're out of my league"?
5. Gets upset when you hang out with your guy friends but refuses to meet them when you suggest it to ease his insecurities?
6. Introduces you to his parents one month, but tells you he's not ready for a relationship the next month?
7. Sends you a email stating he never had feelings for you, but checks back with you two weeks later to ask if you received the email or simply ignoring him?

We'd like someone to give straight forward answers but something a little more descriptive than "He's just not that into you!"

He says:

Two things...7 quotes is an odd number to list...it's either 5 or 10. It's easier to process for us listmaniacs ;-) Seriously, I hope these quotes aren't from the same guy...?! Eek, major nut job if that's the case!

Umm, #5 sounds like me. Hahaa. But here's my diagnosis of the symptoms:

Translations!
#1. He's testing your commitment before things go to far...after all, the kid is a big thing to take on...
#2. Can't a man decide he likes one girl more that another? He's falling in love with you...simple.
#3. This is really embarrassing! Tell me who he is so I can slap him ;-)
#4. This sounds like a poorly executed compliment! You are tooo hooot, babay!!
#5. He doesn't want to integrate...he wants to be territorial about his gal! Not much future in this guy...worse than your parents saying he's not the one...you friends will hate him because you'll feel guilty going out or you'll always bitch about him behind his back to your friends.
#6. He's a mommy's boy and she said you weren't the girl for him.
#7. He's been seeing someone else, but he's come back looking for opportunities or the "grass is greener on the other side".

She says:

Yeah...sorry about that, mate! I was on a roll and decided to stop at 7...honestly each question could be a blog on its own! Translations needed were a compilation of inquiries from different friends and their men's weird behavior. So no....not one nutty guy, but rather several!

The difference between Women and Men, part 1

How to shower like a women / like a man

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How we choose partners...can you count to 10?

He says:

Natural Selection

On the BBC ages ago was a documentary about genetics and mating. There were 10 guys and 10 girls. Everyone was give a number 1-10. Then they were told to pair up, but with a number the same or lower than theirs. So, 10s wanted 1-9 etc. But who do the 1s go for? They can only go for 1. This starts a ripple effect. 1 = 1, 2 = 2 etc. 10 = 10.

What does this prove? Well, genetically good-looking people (the 1s) will not usually settle for 2s or higher (i.e. uglier people than themselves). That means that people generally can't pair up with prettier people than themselves and have to settle for similar/same looking mates. So, if you see an uglier dude with a hotter bird, it's odd. I'd be thinking: he's rich, he's power, or he has a big dick. All of these things give a bloke a bit more attitude than most and you know that's like an aphrodisaic to birds! (See my post 15th Feb 2007).

One night stands....Yey or Nay?

He says:

My mate, R, and I met up last night to catch up. And the subject of one night stands came up. Yes, this is what guys take about over a beer sometimes, when there's no sport to commentate on ;-)

So, R said he's had two such experiences. "Me too", I exclaimed, in a moment of male-bonding! R went on to say that girl #1 rode him hard (yes, guys talk like this); the other, girl #2, went into some post-coital nest-building thing and started to plan. He got up and fled the scene. It's this last girl that I feel compelled to write about. What was she thinking?

Listen, as my girlfriend E says, if you sleep with someone on a first-date or after you've randomly met them at a bar/restaurant/airport lounge (delete as necessary) then get it in perspective: this isn't anything resembling a steady relationship and can't be easily converted into one. I'm not saying it can't turn into a dating thing, but the guy is wanting 'wham, bam, thank you madam', and all girls should understand that.

May be this was an example of the cliche that 'girls use sex to get love; guys use love to get sex', although I know R never used those immortal three words, "I heart you..."

She says:

All girls SHOULD understand that men who are out for a one night stand simply want just that. But try telling that to a single woman who's hit her 30's, aching to get married, and panicking at the increased pounding of the "tell-tale" biological clock!

Guys, it's the luck of the draw these days. You'll either get an uber independent woman who wants exactly what you want - a hot night with no strings attached...or you'll find a rabbit boiling in your pot one evening. Scary, but true. I've met some pretty crazy women AND men who are capable of causing some serious drama in your life if you don't "heart" them back!

But in all seriousness, you can't really fault the woman if she "hopes" for something more out of a one night stand. Isn't it universally known that most women are more emotional and can't help but let feelings get in the way? At the same token, isn't it universally known that most men are simple creatures who can completely compartmentalize their emotions? Men and women are wired differently and as logical as it seems to keep it in perspective, when it comes to a one night stand someone always ends up getting hurt....and not in a good way.

Excuse me....Aren't you with here with someone?

She says:

I just recently attended a destination wedding in Jamaica. Perfect timing for a fun getaway with friends after sulking around Heartbreak City for the past few months. Was looking forward to getting my groove back....not with a local, but perhaps another single visitor? But as soon as I arrive, not only am I hit with the tropical heat and humidity, I also realize....everyone is coupled off! As I'm about to board the shuttle to the resort, I notice the words "Couples San Souci" written across the side. Great.... How am I supposed to get my groove back now?

Not only am I one of three single people on this resort, I'm also one of three Asians on the whole island! Was this to my advantage? Or was it the "no problem" Jamaican attitude I took head on? Whatever it was I was showered with attention by the men! The funny thing...they were with their significant others. What's up with that?? One night while lounging with a friend at the beach bar, she starts to chuckle. I ask, "What's so funny?" She replies, "It's hilarious to watch these guys try to sneak a look at you through the corner of their eyes while sitting right next to their women!"

I totally get the "no harm, no foul" and "you can look but you can't touch", but come on! Don't get ME wrong, I enjoyed the attention. Although I would never act on any sort of proposition and it was certainly a boost to the ego. But I wonder...."what're these guys thinking at the moment?"

He says:

Hahaaa! These guys were dreaming about the other resort they'd heard about in Jamaica...Hedonism, hahaha!

Who knows what was going on in these guy's minds?! The warm sun, the sea air...the single Asian girl...all got under their collar and distracted them from being 'focused' on their girlfriend/wife. (Hey, may be the lady was their sister or something...?! ;-) )

It's definately not cool to spend $2,000 to take your bird to a tropical island and then oggle another woman! I think I'm more discreet, but my sister moans when I get that g-l-a-z-e-d look as an stunning girl is in the vicinity.

But, I think you need to elaborate on what you were wearing wandering about the couple's resort. Did you let your jiggly bits have some freedom under your less than modest polka dot bikini? Come on, 'fess up...guys can't help themselves...what's that cliched statistic? "Men think about sex every 7 seconds!"

Heartache..? Go kiss a stranger and feel better!

He says:

I'm a tuned in, trendy Asian dude ;-) I even keep abreast of things in Europe, but it's easy with UrbanJunkies' the bite-size news and events webzine that comes to my inbox via First Class email. Here is its advice on getting over a boy in your life:

"Heartbreak. Not a nice feeling, is it?

My friend Amy's solution is to go out and "kiss a boy". To me, it always seemed a bit stupid - like putting salt in the wound. What if the new boy you kissed didn't call you? Surely, then you'd be even more depressed.

But, recently, after a particularly bad break up, she dragged me out to a City bar and said we weren't leaving until I'd locked lips. Some poor sod eventually obliged, and frankly, I did wake up the next morning with a spring in my step. Kissing - or snogging, as you Brits call it - really is one of the all-time great pastimes."

Now, I wish there were more girls like that around. Cheap snogs are great, but it has to be with strangers, not girls you're trying to impress and no-one too close to your circle, otherwise you'll be labeled a letch. Ummm...on second thoughts being the bad guy isn't always a bad thing! I mean, come on...being the 'nice guy' means your chances of getting a snog are seriously limited! Seriously!

How did I come to this conclusion? Well, anytime I've cut to the chase instead of the tippy-toeing around the subject of a snog I've got 'well past' first base. In my mind, the longer the tippy-toe pattern is allowed to last, the less likely you will get any tongue action ;-) But, then the question is "how long is toooo long?!" That question keeps me up at night...when I'm alone in bed ;-) Hhahaaa.

She says:

REALLY?? How would kissing a stranger make you feel better when your heart's crumbling into a million pieces?? I'd think it would be the LAST thing on your mind. Although, it could be a temporary fix if you've had 7 cocktails and the guy's especially HOT!

I don't know about the random kissing thing, but I do know that being the center of attention definitely helps. I recently went to a destination wedding where men were flirting with me left and right. Having gone through a recent heartache, the attention was a bit empowering and now that I think of it....it DID bring a little spring into my step. So perhaps my "attention" is the same thing as "random kissing" to someone else?

Nice guys don't win

He says:

The first date I had in LA was thanks to the gallery scene I latched onto when I arrived in Santa Monica in late-2003. Oh, man - that girl was hot in a mixed-Japanese kinda way, but she was a bit of a beetch and taught me a lesson I'd like to share with all the fellas.

I'm a pretty together guy, but I admit I'm a bit too 'nice' (arrgh, I hate that description). And that kind of attitude is not what makes the 'right' impression with girls you're trying to hit on. Girls want some other attitude, some arrogance, some 'game', and I guess a bit of a player. Come on, be honest!

Case in point: I'm in a gallery in Santa Monica where I'd befriended the owner - (yes, two weeks in and I'd already lined up a DJ slot in said gallery for the next show). That night, I see this hottie and for some reason think I know her (how could I, I'm new to LA, right?), so I stare at her a little too long as she enters the gallery. That's it....a bit of attitude on my part and she's into me. I go and talk to her and find myself inviting myself to her weekend hiking trip and getting her contact details. That hike never happened, but we do go out for dinner and some art show.

Now, I was thinking "I like this girl". That means, I'm treat the girl with some level of respect and I'm not going to try to bed you straight away. Unfortunately, that was/is my downfall. This girl was happy to make-out in the car, but she looked at me like I was mental when I didn't invite her in for a 'nightcap'. Uh, in hindsight I messed up. Any good host would've at least offered coffee!

May be I draw the line too firmly and have set ideas about how dates are meant to progress. May...may be not. Anyway, the second date was not great and the third was down right diabolical. I should've thought less about next week, and more about the next morning and just bedded her. Live and learn...I try, but it's hard not being nice!

Read this article from Heartless Bitches - they are bitches, but there's some truth in them words!

She says:

Your problem wasn't that you were too nice. You simply didn't pick up on the hint, i.e. the mental look. Hello!!

Let's just be friends...Happy Valentine's

He says:

I've been in the throes of making out with a girl when she's thrown a wrench in the works: "Don't you think we should just be friends?" Splutter! Fuck, no! That often used phrase needs neutralizing as quickly as possible. In this case (actually, my one and only time), my strategy was to continuing kissing her...it's hard to talk and think and make-out at the same time. I'm smart, me ;-)

But, that won't work for long: a girl who develops cold feet will make her feelings known - she could just avoid you, avoid your phone calls or simply ignore you! Man, what a beech! ;-)

Biz Markie is the man...



She says:

Why the heck is the girl making out with you in the first place only to stop and ask "Don't you think we should just be friends?" She obviously doesn't "got what you nee-eeeed". The true question is...did she develop cold feet? Or was she never interested to begin with? Hmmmmm..... Did your strategy work?

He says:

Oi, come on...I'm a charming guy and I'm reading the pick-up manual, 'The Game'! Of course she wasn't into me in that way, but in the privacy of a private bar and surrounded by strangers she let her guard down, just a little. Did my strategy work? Just for that night. No more after that...but she told me to my face and we shook hands.

The Make-Out Playbook

He says:

Guys like manuals and DIY (do-it-yourself) guides. But something like a 'make-out playbook' has been sadly missing. It's unfair - women have had the benefit of monthly articles for generations and more recently articles in Cosmo and books like, The Rules. Now, it's the guys' turn.

Last week, I was doing my laundry and passed the time by reading my (free) copy of Men's Health, March 2007. Page 134-139 was a step-by-step guide to bedding your 'bird' - from step #1 (fancy a date) to step #12 (the morning after)! The guide had easy-to-follow steps, with ticks and crosses and lots of stats (67% of women say: The cleanliness of your bathroom is paramount).

Men are simple souls. We like diagrams and ordered lists, especially for complex, strategic pastimes like seducing women ;-) I am all for the 'keep it simple, stoopid' approach (or KISS in marketing speak). However, in my experience women aren't all the same (obviously), so the playbook only goes some way towards really winning a lady over. And no, chat up lines are plain weak!

The guide might give some guys confidence, but a word of warning: if you have no game, you definately have no business trying these moves - if only making-out could be neatly-labeled and idiot-proof. *If only*!

But, go on and get Men's Health and do your make-out homework! Study hard boys....it might make you look like a natural. Umm, but don't be a fool and try steps #1-#12...improvise, imaginate (ok, that's not a word, but no one will know) and report back ;-)



She says:

LOL! Men want handbooks and guidelines about how to woo a woman into a make out session or a relationship? I guess men and women aren't THAT different after all!

I wonder? How many people actually put into action the guidelines and suggestions these books, magazines and articles offer. I admit it! I've browsed through if not thoroughly studied a few of these handbooks. But no matter how much study and use you put into this stuff, it all boils down to this...are you trying to be someone you're not? Why all that extra work only to discover that it's THAT much harder to keep up a false persona because "the playbook told you it would work"? All that for the sake of getting the other person to like you more? That's lame.

I'll let you in on something. When women get together and compare notes about their guys, we all ask the same question.....WHERE THE HELL DID THEY LEARN THIS STUFF?? Did they ALL go to the same retarded school of dating?? Toss out the playbook and try something refreshing....uh, like be yourself?

He says:

Uhhh. who's that girl on the Cosmo cover? She's hhhhot! Snigger ;-)